Being Intentional in Marriage

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones; these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.

Much time, effort, and money are devoted to creating enviable, picture-perfect weddings. Far less effort goes into building a healthy foundation upon which a marriage relationship can grow. We just think it’s going to happen because we usually haven’t been taught anything about real marriage, we get caught up in the romance and overpowering feelings of love, and many of us never had a glimpse of it growing up.

We just know we’ll be together forever. We have no plan and think it’s unromantic and just wrong to consider we even need one. Within Christianity, marriage is intended to mirror the covenant that Jesus has with His followers.

It is a covenant between marriage partners and God. Typical marriage vows to go something like this: for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. We focus on the positives to the detriment of our marriages. We refuse to talk about each partner’s vision of marriage and individual expectations. We refuse to acknowledge that the days of “worse,” “poorer,” and “sickness” will come for everyone.

Denial of reality makes our marriages vulnerable. The lack of real pre-marital counseling that addresses the nitty-gritty, messy day-to-day interactions of marriage sets us up for failure. And while
we can wait too long to ask for help, most marriages are not beyond help and restoration. We can, with intentionality – have better marriages than we ever imagined. That’s where I believe intentionality, deliberateness, and purposefulness contribute to the long-term health of the marriage relationship. We just have to ask for help. Divorce does not have to be inevitable, even in the face of the worst marital errors.

I like to remind people that mental health counseling is far less expensive than attorneys. We may not have the first idea about how to be intentional in marriage, but we can learn. One of the
standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You’re not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children unless you ritualize it. I have even seen couples who don’t have children who still need to arrange a time to talk together.

NuWell Counseling Services offers an online platform that’s Christian based. Their online counselors are equipped to help your marriage remain or grow into intentionality. Interested in working on your marriage? Reach out today, NuWell Counseling Services, and schedule your free consultation today!