“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.
Did your life turn out the way that you envisioned it would when you were younger? We all have different versions of ourselves that we grow into and out of, and these versions of yourselves may have had different dreams or expectations about life than you have now. When you were little, maybe you wanted to be a scientist but ended up working in the arts instead. Maybe you thought you’d marry your high school sweetheart but ended up meeting someone who was a better fit for you after you graduated. Perhaps you wonder how life would have been different if you had gone to a different school or decided not to have kids. We each make hundreds of decisions daily, and it’s natural to wonder if some of them were the right ones in hindsight. This line of thinking often leads to complicated emotions like grief or regret.
We think of grief as something that is reserved for serious situations, like when someone passes away, or there’s a natural disaster. These situations do cause grief, but many others do as well. Some grief specialists define grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” The grief you feel for the life you thought you’d have can feel conflicting. Even when you’re really happy with where you are, grief can pop up unexpectedly when you think of everything that could have been. Grieving in the life, you envisioned for yourself doesn’t mean you don’t like your life. It doesn’t even mean that you didn’t make the right choices. We all feel curious about what life would have been like if we had made another choice.
In an advice column years ago, writer Cheryl Strayed answered a reader’s question about how to make peace with a life-altering decision. In her answer, she described how we all have versions of ourselves that will never be. She describes viewing that version of yourself that is not to be as sailing away on a ship.
“One is the life you’ll have; the other is the one you won’t. Switch them around in your head and see how it feels. Which affects you on a visceral level? Which won’t let you go? Which is ruled by fear? Which is ruled by desire? Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump, and which makes you want to turn and run? I’ll never know, and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. That life was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.
You are where you are today for a lot of reasons, including decisions you made in your past. Not everyone is happy with where they are currently, which can bring up complicated feelings like
a disappointment. It’s normal to be curious about where other paths would have taken you and what you would be like if you had chosen differently.
If you’re looking for more support in managing the grief of your unlived life, working with a therapist can help guide you through the process in a way that works for you specifically. Get in touch
with NuWell Counseling Services today to get started. They have a team of online counselors who are qualified to walk you through the grieving process so that you can THRIVE! Again, I encourage you to call NuWell Counseling Services; sometimes, you cannot heal by yourself; therefore, their online counselors can virtually connect with you in the comfort of your home so that you may start the path towards healing. Please call NuWell Counseling Services for a free 30-minute consultation.
